I can't really think of what to put down... so I'll steal a quote;

"In the end it never works out. You are who you are, no matter what you pretend at the beginning. So I'm not pretending. I drink to ignore my problems. I spend more time with my computer than with my friends. I don't have a very good relationship with men. I am angry and lonely, but I can wash dishes just fine. I'm being honest. Please don't be an asshole about this."

I got used. played. And i still continue to give a shit..no thanks to you chucks!

three day weekend

I hate having a conscious. It makes me do all the right things even when i want to be bad. Its been so long..really long and all I want to do is let lose and have some fun. Which reminds me of chucks. The call has to be made.

Its unbelievable how much he has changed over the year. Out of all 4 of us he's changed for the better. When we first met him he was this reckless stoner guy moving from one girl to another and now he's all calm cool without girls and much less stoned. I remember calming him down whenever he was angry,telling him to count backwards from 10 :p. And day before yesterday he was the one telling me to calm down,ignore the shit and let it go, to be the bigger person in all this. He pulled out his favourite line ever..'GD talk it out sweetheart,such a small thing is not worth throwing your friendship away for' :p after a long long week i finally laughed. His one liners let me rephrase lame one liners make me laugh.

So I'm thinking. Maybe he is right i should let it go,be the bigger person if not for the friendship at least for the sake of peaceful 3 years at FJDC. :p.

I made a schedule for myself to study for the finals.exactly a month away. Scary times.

Mumbai attacks!

My thoughts and prayers go out to the terror victims in Mumbai.
India's financial center and the home to Bollywood was violently attacked by extremist terrorists on Wednesday.


The Taj, Oberoi and the jewish amongst the prominent sites under attack. Police are still fighting the militants.

Mumbai, a city of nearly 18 million people that is the nerve-center of India's growing economic prowess and home to the "Bollywood" film industry, was virtually shut down on Thursday as the battles raged.

The current count is approximately one hundred and twenty five killed and more than three hundred injured.

It indeed is a tragic event and no religion or society on earth does allow such crimes. It is a crime and the criminals should be punished.

Hold me, I'm cold inside!

Finally the pre prof's are over..I don't know how i did because we still haven't gotten our result....can't wait for it because everything except community and oral anatomy viva went good:)..

"The world is full of goodbyes. You probably meet a new one every day, but that never makes it any better."

yes that is very true. So basically this has been by far the worse year of my life. And I know there are probably a lot more to come, so I'm not planning on keeping my hopes up on that. But I'm ok. If it doesn't break you it only makes you stronger right? I fucking hope thats true. Though I don't get this crap about getting up and moving on. I have half the people screaming 'disappointment', and the other half are fucking hypocritical!

'you sit there with your pretty face and twisting words and dictate everyone's life. You've forgotten everything that went before and I don't want to care about it anymore. I’m so fucking tired of your reckless attitude towards life and everything and the hypocrisy and the lies that come with.I want to forget it all.I want to wake up from a long sleep and be without the weight of ever knowing you.
I say this because i cant hold it in any longer. I say it because the truth will eventually come out, the lies will unfold!.I say this because i know you are fucking smart to understand it all. And i say this now because i don't want this friendship to ruin me anymore!'

I am hoping.. all that read this.. understand that things will get better.
It's not easy... I will say that.. but what in life is easy?

Trust a few!

Theres something sad about growing up. About facing the real world and dealing with the real world problems. When I was a kid, i would imagine myself at my current age and I would want to be that person. I would want that time to come.
it came. And its here. And its not all that beautiful.

You get to see so much that you were previously unaware of. And its almost a challenge to keep your faith in people alive. The world isn't a superficial surface where everything goes as planned and people are sweet. And you know the weird thing? The weird thing is that my mind leaves me in this confused place where I am not as pessimistic about people as i used to be when I was a cold hearted sixteen year old, but I am not all that optimistic about them either.

Trust a few. That's the rule. Right?

Its Sarah's birthday today. We're not celebrating;thank god for that. Me and chucks went to her place at 12 though to wish her. And we couldn't help but laugh about the awesome time we had on her birthday last year. We reached there around 11.15 so we had about 45 minutes to kill. And true to our nature, me, chucks an M did the most horrible things we could think of. Talking about it yesterday, we laughed so much and i realized how much i miss 'us'! I've been through some crazy times with these guys and despite everything that has gone down recently last year was really the best year of my life! Its the kind of year you'd do anything to get back!

On a brighter note Oral anatomy went much better than i expected. And i hopefully i wont fail. the Ku exams forms are here and that means that finals are awfully near and real.

prayers needed!

winter nostalgia

OK, so I hate being under this kind of stress. No, it doesn't help me. It only leaves me either in front of the television or on bed. I cant seem to study and its frustrating.
And my throat hurts.

And cheesy love songs are roaming around in my head right now.

And I pretty much loathe tooth morphology. Did i ever mention that before?
You can feel the winters creeping in slowly. At least I can. I don't think anyone else around the house notices.
I hate winters. Its just something about the cold weather.
I have a paper tomorrow which i will definitely fail!

Winter reminds me of those school days when we would have to wear that horrible sweater or cardigan or whatever. And it reminds me of Alevels when dabby would tell the canteen guy to make coffee for us! I hated coffee back then. i would take 2 sips and Shahzeem would finish it.

Anyhow, that is what was. And maybe years from now , I will look at this coming winters and wish I was back here. Here's to hoping that I do.

The major reason why I'm so frustrated and don't want to study is , its cause I'm pissed ...at the system,at the people at everything. The problem is that hard work used to work. Now, a large part of everything is luck. I have never believed in luck as much as I do right now. You don't make your own luck. Some people, they are just lucky.

Life is just so pathetic. And finally, there is a boy. Yes. And I hate mentioning these things in my blog directly, because it makes me sound like some teenage idiot with a crush on another teenage idiot(not that he's a teenager)he's not, that is not going to last too long (hopefully, the last part is true)...but yes, there is a boy. That's it.

Exams

Well, 2 of them are over! What a relief.
Pharmacology and pathology. I really don't know how either of them went. But they are over and i am happy. Now oral anatomy and community to go and not to forget the vivas
The best thing about these exams is that they have made me realize a lot of good and bad stuff.

I had a really long talk with zia about people in general and expectations and competition in the healthy spirit kinda way and of course how hypocritical people can be. I will write about that a long bitchy entry about how i feel in all of this. But after my exams. This is like a reminder to me that i have to write an entry about that!

hmmm...

I am not sure what exactly it is. Probably my focus problem playing tricks on me once more. I wished for many things, and few came true. But this one, this one I want, I wish.I need You to react in certain ways so I can get the answers.

Social intelligence. He has it, and I wonder if he can tell what I have in mind. Or perhaps he chooses to ignore it, keeps it inside. Maybe he is afraid; maybe he is afraid that he’s wrong in his judgment. The other more feared and unwanted alternative being that he just doesn’t see me in that light. A negative answer would be too much at this point.
You disassemble me and build me up and break me down again.I've tried to constantly calculate you, the moments you've mentioned, the times we've spent discussing the most random things.
I can't get it right. i don't get what you're ever thinking... I keep wondering why... why can't I stop thinking about you!

the love that helps you write!

Let's go back to the beginning and pretend that all of this distance and drama never existed.

At one point I was so weak; I missed you so much and I missed what we had. One simple song made me break down and cry. But now, I can honestly say I'm over you. Sure, I still think about you, but I'm not crying anymore.
When I look back on all that has happened; growing up, growing together, changing you and changing me. We've dreamt together, laughed together, cried together. I realize how much I truly miss you.

Thefore, it is with all of my heart that I send you my love, hoping you'll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each other and all we will.

I saw you today and realized how far apart we've grown. I know I should talk to you and ask you how you've been doing, and I really wish that I could, but it's just occured to me that we're strangers now. You don't know me anymore, much less want to. I know that everything is different now, I've been staying strong. I just wish things didn't have to be as different as they are now. I wish we didnt' have to be strangers to each other again.