Sunday, May 9, 2010

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name

I'm cold to everything right now, I can feel the "I don't give a fuck" attitude setting in. I don't particularly like it, but sometimes it is necessary for self preservation. Afterall, when you don't feel, what bad can possibly come to you? That's not to say that I'm not feeling anything, I'm just separating myself from it.

It's like I'm calm, relaxed, composed and then when I'm around people I'm a juvenile idiot who falls into the same traps over and over again. I tell myself, "don't be so stupid, be careful, don't say anything you'll regret," and yet I'm always so ridiculously stupid, not careful at all and say the most pathetic things, that I wouldn't dream of saying anywhere else. Worst of all, I keep on doing it.

I think I've fought all these behavioral issues and i'm past it. but no, it keeps coming back and stronger than before. it takes the life out of me to fight it and keep from doing something pathetic and stupid that would only hurt me!!

Right now manchester united losing the title to chelsea isn't helping!!!
Dam it..
there goes the title =(

Saturday, May 1, 2010

over analyze your oh wait my words

I may not have the worst life in the world and I may have everything that many search for. But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside and I'm not crying to sleep at night. Like everyone at some point in life,I feel what every human being feels; love, regret, happiness, heartbreak. The only thing I want is someone to say, "It's okay... I know what you're going through. I'll listen."

Sure, people say that, but the world is busy. And so are you as a person. And it gets to a point... where the feelings build up and the pain hurts so much, that all there is to do, is breakdown and cry. The only problem? There isn't anyone to blame, but yourself because there's no one else around that could understand a single thing going on in your head... there's too much flying around that nothing makes sense.
And it's nice, to talk to someone, to know that they are there for you. But they aren't there for the worst of it, for the moment when you just need to be in someone else's arms and cry. And there are times, when you think, 'Is someone else going to be there like I've been there for them so many times?'

There are so many things that I think about. So many things that I just want to go away.

Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion .. not

I hate being alone. I hate sitting at home with nothing to do. And I specially hate it when I get into that phase of mine when I start hating my friends and don’t want anything to do with anyone. I get into my head and think too much. Then I text random people. People who aren’t my friends to keep myself busy.
I really really hate this aloof attitude of mine. It makes me angry and frustrated. I know the reason why I act like that but I’m too embarrassed to admit it.
Right now I also hate school very much. Even surgery doesn’t excite me. And if that cant make me happy I don’t know what will. All I do is sit around the lab. Keep my distance from everyone so I don’t have to put up a fake happy face. I’m not even studying. That’s going to bite me in the ass.

what a lame ass post. i really cant write when im sad and frustrated!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I've lost all feeling in my chest again

I don't like talking about the past because its really no good. It's the past for a reason. I don't want it now, I don't want it in my future.

So what do you do when you run into a sort of ex.Running into him was weird because I talked well mentioned his name after god knows how long, yesterday well in our situation there was a nod of the head, an awkward hi and a quick hug and before I could've reacted he disappeared.

So I can't remember whether this time last year I was happy happier or sadder than I am right now. maybe I should go back read my entries and figure that out.

In other news I had a football related argument today after a long time. Felt good to fight about something that actually means something to me. And i showed my bestfriend all these cool football videos on youtube that i used to watch a long time ago. Didn't feel as horrible as i though it would. Maybe I have gotten over it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Where there is pain, there is healing

I've become very frustrated by school and all the work there. And how all of a sudden people think i'm a dentist and come to me with all sorts of issues and expect me to be there. i treated or took 5 people to the dentist in the past week including my dads bestfriend's wife and my khala.. I was so pissed because they called at the last minute and expected to be treated like royalty. I don't know how my father has been handling this for almost 30 years now. pain i swear. but there's another reason why I'm even more frustrated.

I'm frustrated because I get the feeling I've been judged quite a lot lately, and that frustrates me because I don't really judge others. I say that, as everyone judges, even just a little bit, and I am on the low end of that scale. The only judgement I have of others, are how they are with me. What I mean is, about some people you can hear rumours that they are a bitch or a bastard, but I don't take them as that if they've never been that way with me, I'll just take them for who they are with me. So to get judged on how I look, how I sound, how I dress, the music I like, the movies I like etc. I really do not like, because really it is very unfair, and that is why I do not judge others on those things.

to end it.. dino said something yesterday which really struck me and brought back good memories.
'Where there is pain, there is healing'.. =)

Friday, March 26, 2010

My hands are cold from holding on to hopes

I've been planning to write but i just dont feel upto it. neither do i have the time. everytime i think about posting.. something comes up :s..
Final year has been tough as hell..

So I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever feel comfortable. Sure, there are varying degrees of comfort, but what I'm saying is do not get too comfortable. Why? Because when you're too comfortable, you become complacent, and when you become complacent you let things slip and slide around you without even realising it, and before you know it, things are fucked up. Then that comfort is gone and what are you left with? Nothing. Nothing at all. Like that comfort was all a mirage.

Don't ever expect anything of anyone though, because if you do you're bound to be let down, disappointed or hurt. You can only ever expect things of yourself, rely on yourself, because nobody else cares enough to bother. You've just got to stay on your toes and be careful, otherwise expectations will swallow you up and leave you resentful.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Lahore is officially amazing. Except for the fact that sarah is self obsessed.. I love it here. I have gone broke in 2 days but i have fallen in love with this place.. Oh and i'm back.. All updates soon. Hope you non existant readers haven't left yet..