I've been through the desert on a horse with no name

I'm cold to everything right now, I can feel the "I don't give a fuck" attitude setting in. I don't particularly like it, but sometimes it is necessary for self preservation. Afterall, when you don't feel, what bad can possibly come to you? That's not to say that I'm not feeling anything, I'm just separating myself from it.

It's like I'm calm, relaxed, composed and then when I'm around people I'm a juvenile idiot who falls into the same traps over and over again. I tell myself, "don't be so stupid, be careful, don't say anything you'll regret," and yet I'm always so ridiculously stupid, not careful at all and say the most pathetic things, that I wouldn't dream of saying anywhere else. Worst of all, I keep on doing it.

I think I've fought all these behavioral issues and i'm past it. but no, it keeps coming back and stronger than before. it takes the life out of me to fight it and keep from doing something pathetic and stupid that would only hurt me!!

Right now manchester united losing the title to chelsea isn't helping!!!
Dam it..
there goes the title =(

over analyze your oh wait my words

I may not have the worst life in the world and I may have everything that many search for. But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside and I'm not crying to sleep at night. Like everyone at some point in life,I feel what every human being feels; love, regret, happiness, heartbreak. The only thing I want is someone to say, "It's okay... I know what you're going through. I'll listen."

Sure, people say that, but the world is busy. And so are you as a person. And it gets to a point... where the feelings build up and the pain hurts so much, that all there is to do, is breakdown and cry. The only problem? There isn't anyone to blame, but yourself because there's no one else around that could understand a single thing going on in your head... there's too much flying around that nothing makes sense.
And it's nice, to talk to someone, to know that they are there for you. But they aren't there for the worst of it, for the moment when you just need to be in someone else's arms and cry. And there are times, when you think, 'Is someone else going to be there like I've been there for them so many times?'

There are so many things that I think about. So many things that I just want to go away.

Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion .. not

I hate being alone. I hate sitting at home with nothing to do. And I specially hate it when I get into that phase of mine when I start hating my friends and don’t want anything to do with anyone. I get into my head and think too much. Then I text random people. People who aren’t my friends to keep myself busy.
I really really hate this aloof attitude of mine. It makes me angry and frustrated. I know the reason why I act like that but I’m too embarrassed to admit it.
Right now I also hate school very much. Even surgery doesn’t excite me. And if that cant make me happy I don’t know what will. All I do is sit around the lab. Keep my distance from everyone so I don’t have to put up a fake happy face. I’m not even studying. That’s going to bite me in the ass.

what a lame ass post. i really cant write when im sad and frustrated!

I've lost all feeling in my chest again

I don't like talking about the past because its really no good. It's the past for a reason. I don't want it now, I don't want it in my future.

So what do you do when you run into a sort of ex.Running into him was weird because I talked well mentioned his name after god knows how long, yesterday only.so well in our situation there was a nod of the head, an awkward hi and a quick hug and before I could've reacted he disappeared.

So I can't remember whether this time last year I was happy happier or sadder than I am right now. maybe I should go back read my entries and figure that out.

In other news I had a football related argument today after a long time. Felt good to fight about something that actually means something to me. And i showed my bestfriend all these cool football videos on youtube that i used to watch a long time ago. Didn't feel as horrible as i though it would. Maybe I have gotten over it.

Where there is pain, there is healing

I've become very frustrated by school and all the work there. And how all of a sudden people think i'm a dentist and come to me with all sorts of issues and expect me to be there. i treated or took 5 people to the dentist in the past week including my dads bestfriend's wife and my khala.. I was so pissed because they called at the last minute and expected to be treated like royalty. I don't know how my father has been handling this for almost 30 years now. pain i swear. but there's another reason why I'm even more frustrated.

I'm frustrated because I get the feeling I've been judged quite a lot lately, and that frustrates me because I don't really judge others. I say that, as everyone judges, even just a little bit, and I am on the low end of that scale. The only judgement I have of others, are how they are with me. What I mean is, about some people you can hear rumours that they are a bitch or a bastard, but I don't take them as that if they've never been that way with me, I'll just take them for who they are with me. So to get judged on how I look, how I sound, how I dress, the music I like, the movies I like etc. I really do not like, because really it is very unfair, and that is why I do not judge others on those things.

to end it.. dino said something yesterday which really struck me and brought back good memories.
'Where there is pain, there is healing'.. =)

My hands are cold from holding on to hopes

I've been planning to write but i just dont feel upto it. neither do i have the time. everytime i think about posting.. something comes up :s..
Final year has been tough as hell..

So I've been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever feel comfortable. Sure, there are varying degrees of comfort, but what I'm saying is do not get too comfortable. Why? Because when you're too comfortable, you become complacent, and when you become complacent you let things slip and slide around you without even realising it, and before you know it, things are fucked up. Then that comfort is gone and what are you left with? Nothing. Nothing at all. Like that comfort was all a mirage.

Don't ever expect anything of anyone though, because if you do you're bound to be let down, disappointed or hurt. You can only ever expect things of yourself, rely on yourself, because nobody else cares enough to bother. You've just got to stay on your toes and be careful, otherwise expectations will swallow you up and leave you resentful.

Lahore is officially amazing. Except for the fact that sarah is self obsessed.. I love it here. I have gone broke in 2 days but i have fallen in love with this place.. Oh and i'm back.. All updates soon. Hope you non existant readers haven't left yet..

Wish list

I have lots of things I wish for this year. I have resolutions too..
1) stop swearing so much. I'm not saying all together but yes decrease the frequency!
2) start saving and not spending so much
3) start caring about more relevant things
4) try to make a difference
5) do something that I've never done before and not something bad but something that matters(this is much like #4)
6) my blog should also not be so gay and emo, it should focus on more relevant and important things!
7) try and convince mama to get me a new tv for my room, one which I like not the one she got
8) Be a little more like my father because he is a darn good human being, h might not be a great father or a husband but by god he's an amazing human being
9) be even more patient towards mama because she's amazing. And she deserves it
10) learn to cook..this one's not for me it's for ma


and last I need to accept the fact that I am now becoming a dentist and there's no way out.. I keep thinking what I really really want to be and what I'd be amazing at.. A sports reporter or a sports journalist. I would kill at that. I not only love sports it's what I know. Football, tennis, cricket, that's my life. And not just watching it like knowing it.. knowing my stuff. I can write about it.. talk about it and know what I'm saying and be right and make people notice. But aaahh those are just stupid wishes!

So here is to 2010 finally!!!

It's over

Finally 3rd year is over..yayyyy
Another year then it's Doctor for sure inshAllah.. abhi i'm off will keep in touch with this.. lots to say
much love=)

http://www.latimes.com/news/nation-and-world/la-na-palindrome2-2010jan02,0,6788304.story

That is super cool =D

Stay with me... Baby when the lights go down

Idiots at ku postponed our papers. Allah puchay in se!! My new years resolution is to take over ku and burn it down. Ya ya i'm dreaming big but they say you aim for the moon and land on the stars no? So ya. Another year has come and gone by. I'm still stuck in the same place. Still crying over the same issues and still getting happy about the lame things that don't matter!! I've been listening to stay with me by akcent a lot. And while that song makes me happy sometimes cause it's got that happy party feeling to it, it's lyrics make me think too. I'm a very stubborn person when it comes to my feelings. I never make them clear and i never ask for what i want in terms of relationships and friendships. I sit back and hope things will take its course. Many a times i have regretted that. Most recently with that boy situation.I realized pretty early on he was just like me. We let it linger on for a year and never did something about it. And when things seem to be falling in place we were both to stubborn to take those few steps and then things just changed and we left without saying goodbye. I don't know if it hit him as hard as it hit me but ya. I guess thats the way of life. It seems as though i've moved on from it. But somethings just trigger those feelings again. Too bad those things are the most important things in my life like football and music. I've stopped listening to our kind of music. Didn't watch football for a while but i love it much more than i ever liked him. So thats back. Hopefully music will be too. Till then it's gay stuff like akcent..

our city of lights =(

Brilliant..just fucking brilliant.. when you know things are bad people are looking for an opportunity you go out in masses and give them a chance to blow up..bombs every where.. then to top of it all off they burn the shops. Those poor people. more than 2000 shops burned.. kya hai yaaar....

u wanted to mourn karbala..mourn not what has passed but what u have become and how uve let ur khalifa and his sons down!!

they city is turning on itself..what have we come to???? Atleast when musharraf was ruling we felt safe. democracy or no democracy. Fuck you Fuck you all!!!! screwing with us!!
We should make all these god dam corrupt politicians and the god dam pussy police force stand in one line and shoot them in the fucking head. And when done with that burn the god dam media down.. geo keeps playing the video over and over again with a sad song playing in the background.express keeps saying how its the first to bring the news from every angle. You motherfuckers this is not a fucking competition or a media stunt. This is our country.. our city we're talking about!!!!!!

I wish I could help do something be somewhere be someone =(

Who says i can't go home?

You're standing at a junction in your life. Everything you cared for, loved for ended. Now you either turn right or you turn left and start a new life. Leave the scars, the pain the suffering behind. But human nature doesn't allow it. Why not go back and change everything. Make a different choice, take a different step, have a different approach and change the outcome. Apologize, ask for more, not keep it all inside and fight for your innocence. Punish or forgive those who gave you that pain, made you suffer and scarred you for life. Move on. Look for new ways of happiness. Never settle for less. Don't give up on those you love and things you care about. If you love someone tell them. Don't hesitate about anything. Don't be safe. Take a risk. Surely you won't be standing at that junction then... Unfortunately life doesn't come with erasers or a rewind button. You have to make a choice. Left or right?

Hoping for a change. One post at a time :s

I've always had a lot of respect for javed miandad, after all he's the one of the most successful pakistani batsmen if not the most successful and i.ve always paid heed to his opinions about the state of pakistani cricket or the current team. But Recently he made a statement which made me rethink. He said mohammad yousuf did a fine job as a captain and should be retained as captain for a longer term! I mean seriously? The guy was a total failure. Not only did he himself fail as a player on the recent newzealand series but he failed to come out as a leader!He did not rotate his bowlers properly or have any idea about field placement. The pakistani team dropped an average of about 11 catches per test match. I agree that that his not yousuf's fault. But having the wrong man at the wrong place is. Imran farhat dropped 3 catches at first slip and not even tough one's and yet the guy stood at the same position all throughout the match. Umar gul one of the worst fielders was standing on the point position, where he dropped a sitter and mccullum went on to make a century! The point is the most crucial position in the game and the most amazing fielders have occupied that place. jonty rhodes, ricky pointing and more recently suresh raina of india! Yaar had ho gai. I couldn't help but laugh at his field positions and the decisions he took! It's about time we get an intelligent player in the team and make him captain. Someone whose young, fresh and understands the game of cricket!

Battle studies

No that has nothing to do with my exams or studies it's john mayer's new album.. It is amazing. The last few weeks have been sucky and this made my day =D.. it made me smile... yayyy.. papers are 2 days away.. Allah mian save me!!

On the other hand..Justine Henin is back..yes baby..now I finally have a reason to start watching women's tennis again..

This entry is totally pointless it was meant to be more but I got lost in the awesomeness that is dexter...which totally made me cry.. How could they kill rita off =( Anyho.. later general medicine and battle studies awaits =D

'Stony mcblue's'.. What chuck?

I've never been so scared in my life. Not when i was on my way to thailand 4 years ago and the pilot told us we need to put the oxygen masks on because there was decreased cabin pressure. I recited the kalma and sat calmly while people around me panicked. Not even when i fell on my knee 2 and a half years ago while playing footie knowing my knee was already screwed up and one more mistake and i would need surgery. Not when i crashed my dad's car almost a year ago for the first time ever and then had a fight with the other driver. Not when i was caught stoned and passed out by my parents 3 years ago. No, even in that state i apologized kept my cool and told them i'd stay grounded take any punishment! Not when hina told me her father passed away and i had to hold my bestfriend while she cried unconditionally, and for the first time in the 6 years of knowing her i didn't have a word to say to her. Not when my father had an attack and underwent a major cardiac surgery and had 5 stents put in his vessels to make sure his heart keeps pumping. No, but this year the exams they scare the shit outta me

3 words that became hard to say. I and love and you

Every bit hurts.. Every part of it. You never promised anything but i believed in forever, i believed in promises, i believed in love. It's been so long and i've tried to give myself to someone who loves me more than you ever could but you hold me back. I blame you for ruining me. You played with my head and you screwed with my heart. I love you but i want to be happy like you and i want you to be miserable like me.

I can't believe i failed 2 subjects. I honestly thought i was killing it in the papers. Apparently not. Studies were the only thing left in my life that i could fondly look upon. I've lost that too. It's reason enough to go off the track no? So I knew i was in a bad place and I called my doctor. Call him a shrink or a counsellor i don't know but he's just someone i took help from last year. Got his number from a friend. The very first time i talked to him it was about my career choice and why i was doing what i was. He got to me and i opened up a bit. Then he told me he can't be around forever so he asked me if i have a friend who i can count on to be there everytime. I said no. Which is the unfortunate truth. So he gave me a guys number who is my go to guy now.. So i called him up today and it got him upset, because he thought i was doing well since I hadn't called for a long time. I told him about the papers and studies and he never has the cliches to say to me. He always brings something new to the table. He makes me feel better but he's not my friend. And that upsets me even more. So he told me to write about this. He promised it'l open up a new window from which i can let some of my issues out. It has. So i thank you. With all my heart for my being my saviour.

???

Every best friend has a best friend....where does that leave secrets???

My new favorite line. I'm right in not trusting many and keeping this ridiculous blog to vent na? but then I'll die with all my secrets and problems and most people will never really know the real me. That sucks but hey the less the know the better it is hun. I'm not that great and in most areas screwed up as hell. So go me.. :p

Me-1, surgery-0

I just realized I was writing a lot about my exams last year and i'm not this year. So not that anyone cares but ya so they are going much better than I expected them to go. Definitely not as good as the Past 2 years but i think i'm surpassing my own expectations this year. I'm studying much much more than i've ever studied in my life. My mom thinks something is wrong with me because I was never this insane when it came to studies and school. But anyways so the exams are going good. I'm happy. Going a little crazy in the head with the frustrations and non availability of people but still happy. Last night was a good night. It was Saru's birthday. I always like celebrating her birthday because she doesn't make a big deal out of it. Yes i'm not a birthday person. Anyway we went for dinner to roasters, then ammo and maheen wanted sheesha and coffee so we did that and asusual got home late. I needed that night out. Me and chucks got to hang out too. We were losing touch so it was good. We drove around for a bit. Did our thing, talked and bitched about people and then i got home and straight to bed. Wow this post has been so lame. So i should stop now and study surgery now. 3 more to go before I can give myself 2 days off and then studying for finals start. Woho:s till then much love:)