I guess this is real or real enough.

I guess this is real or real enough. What's happening? I don't know. I'm so lost right now. What is this? Like some kind of twist in the already complicated script that we had all written for ourselves. Not just for me but for all of us. Every single one of us.
I thought it was simple and clear. But apparently it’s not. Saru is getting married in a week. Total, complete shock. I was gone 10 days and the world changed around me! I don’t know if people collide for a reason, or if it’s all random. Maybe there’s a lesson in here somewhere, but more likely, it just is what it is.
These are the times I want to scream at the top of my lungs but end up whispering to myself that everything's going to be all right. I knew things were changing but this is a complete turn from the norm. I wish I could go back to the vacation days, I could escape maybe take a walk and just sit on the beach... But I know I'd still be looking for faces in the sand or in the surf. I just really don't know what I have left to do... days are dull and boring, friends don't seem to be there and this cellphone feels like a paperweight in my pocket. I'm not going out there to say I'm just going to end it... but god damn would I kill for some direction. ; I'm having trouble finding the softness of not-so-long-ago.

I'm tired of investing into relationships and friendships and then seeing them go down the drain. I need to prepare myself for more unexpected turns coming my way. I should have known better than to assume that it was all coming to a settlement for all of us. I'm tired of waiting to see what happens.